Bodacious Business Horoscopes: Vocal Virgo!

Virgos are demure, until you (innocently) unscrew the lid from their bottle of endless advice...
Virgos are demure, until you (innocently) unscrew the lid from their bottle of endless advice…

The next “Bodacious Business Horoscopes” entry features the zodiac’s primary perfectionist, Virgo the Virgin. This amiable amigo carries the weight of the astrological world upon his or her shoulders (from August 23 to September 22).

Virgos relish the chance to help and serve others, dispensing situational analysis and advice galore. I’ll wager that the introspective, detail-oriented analysts or “number crunchers” in your workplace are probably Virgos.

Disclaimer: This post is a business parody of Western astrology. By All Writes isn’t responsible for any strange or unusual occurrences at your work location as a result of this month’s profile about the Virgos on your payroll. Please proceed with astrological caution…

Virgo Is a Mutable Earth Sign–Here’s What It Means for Your Business: As the mutable one within the collection of earth signs, Virgo is stable and reliable, yet has the energy and drive to adapt to any task.

Although Virgo sometimes has a reputation as a relentless “fault finder,” the flip side of this conventional soul is killer troubleshooting skills.

According to The Zodiac Little Giant® Encyclopedia, Virgo is:

“…the mutable earth sign of the zodiac, indicating adaptable practicality. It can be likened to a semi-shaded patio which has been adapted to make a garden filled with a great variety of plants…half hidden, here and there, are garden chaise lounges…and other unexpected practical delights.”

Don’t be surprised when the placid souls at your company who use their “X-ray vision” to blast through layers of confusing data turn out to be Virgos.

Methodical, Exacting Virgos Prefer Solitude While Working: At the risk of stereotyping, most Virgos don’t need an audience or lots of encouragement. That’s because they have their own inner critics rooting them on to any task’s completion.

If you want a project done properly, give your Virgo employees breathing space. Let them do what they do best–assess, analyze, and solve problems.

These intrinsic thinkers value order and perfection. Refrain from borrowing office supplies (or other items) from them. Also, don’t tamper with their personal trinkets and possessions while visiting their work space, unless you’re prepared to deflect repeated requests to leave.

Best gifts for your Virgo workmates include: a calculator or ledger book, a coupon organizer, the latest time-management software or app for their mobile device, and any type of antique/vintage tchotchke for the desk (something tasteful, not outlandish).

Your Most Sympathetic and Altruistic Employees Are Probably Virgos: In general, employees and leaders whose sun sign falls into Virgo’s house are the ones most likely to absorb someone’s difficulties as their own (and help find solutions). Additionally, Virgoans tend to be meticulous and extremely self-disciplined.

This zodiac sign’s positive traits: are gentle with those who need help, humane, organized, witty and charming, and emotionally supportive.

Per The Zodiac Little Giant Encyclopedia: “Virgos crave the opportunity to serve others and take charge of the many apparently mundane matters that, collectively, are the bedrock of success.”

Virgoans Are Hypercritical of Themselves and Those Whom They Consider Lazy: All zodiac signs carry the karma-like weight of their negative traits. Virgo the Virgin has a few that aren’t quite “original sin.”

While they sincerely enjoy helping others and dispensing knowledge freely (because they care), beware their judgmental tendencies.

Your Virgoan employees can be: deeply critical of undisciplined peers, dogmatic, noticeable hypochondriacs, nervous or worried, and overdemanding of others’ work.

Yes, Virgos are quick to find fault and assess imperfections in other people. But they do scour themselves first for work-related weaknesses. Virgos are brutally honest about their flaws…

These folks are intrinsically motivated in their quest for perfection, so go easy on the constructive criticism during a performance review. Virgos will blurt out their buried self-dissatisfaction long before you do!

Virgo Works to Serve, Thriving on Complicated Assignments: You have to appreciate an employee who finds satisfaction and celebrates success in a supporting role.

Virgos are capable of leading, but when they do, it’s typically as the president or owner of a small, nimble company. Their methodical ways make them excellent research or service-oriented analysts; they make the difficult seem effortless.

Some Virgoans you may have heard of:

Albert, Prince Consort, who influenced Queen Victoria’s mind-set regarding the business of ruling Victorian England…

Iris Apfel, still going strong at over 90 years of age, is a retired businesswoman and fashion icon who wears the glasses in the family…

Warren Buffett, he of Berkshire Hathaway fame, stock-market whisperer who bears the nickname “The Oracle of Everything”…

George Cadbury (think candy and those chocolate eggs that get laid only at Easter)…AND…Milton Hershey!

Larry Ellison, uber-rich tycoon and founder of Oracle who has his own sailing team (for that little ole America’s Cup)…

Charles F. Kettering, an engineer and inventor during the automotive industry’s golden era…

Adrienne Maloof, original cast member of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills whose family business, Maloof Companies, includes a 2% stake in Las Vegas’s Palms Casino Resort…

Cher Wang, co-founder and chairwoman of the HTC corporation (that smartphone in your hand just might be one of HTC’s products)…

A Completely Speculative Business Interpretation of Virgo’s Astral Assets: Here’s something you don’t stumble upon every day: a business interpretation of a zodiac sign’s ruling planet, lucky day, lucky numbers, and primary colors.

When asking a Virgo employee for a status update regarding that red-hot project with a looming deadline, keep these heavenly influences in mind:

Ruling Planet = Mercury (This planet is as “hot hot hot” as you think it is. Never ask a Virgo an annoying question when Mercury is in retrograde!)

Lucky Day = Wednesday (The middle of the work week is the right day to pour your heart out to that altruistic Virgo across the cubicle aisle…)

Lucky Numbers = 3, 6, and 7 (Most Virgos are adept with numbers, so it really doesn’t matter which ones are considered lucky!)

Primary Colors = yellow-green, white, brown (mushroom), and cream (Virgos appreciate subtle, neutral colors. Don’t “gift” them with a trinket or piece of apparel overdone in garish colors…)

Final Snide Commentary on Virgo the Virgin by the Author of Born on a Rotten Day: Hazel Dixon-Cooper, the snarkiest astrologer ever to pen even snarkier books, claims that Virgo bosses “…will subject you to endless suggestions and pointed comments designed to mold you into the perfect employee.”

One of her most irreverent comments regarding your Virgo pals:

“To irk the Virgo in the next cubicle, come in early and rearrange his desktop. Switch the stapler to the phone side, and the phone to the credenza. Move the stack of invoices to the left and the envelopes to the right…Then sit back and listen to the muffled laughter of the whole office as Mr. Virgo spends the rest of the day getting organized.”


Is Virgo the Virgin the (chaste, pure) sun sign ruling your zodiac house? If so, did this business version of Virgo trigger any head shakes for you regarding accuracy? What other interpretive traits would you add to this zodiac sign from a business perspective?

For my beloved readers with a birthday dwelling in another house, your blog post is in my editorial calendar, don’t you worry. The next astrological martyr will be Libra (the Scales).

Lori Shapiro is the owner of By All Writes LLC, a business-to-business (B2B) writing, editing, and research company in Marlton, New Jersey. She revels in shielding her clients from the pain of writing their own print or web marketing and educational copy. Please call Lori Shapiro at 856-810-9764 or e-mail By All Writes LLC at  for a no-obligation project quote today!

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