Bodacious Business Horoscopes: Secretive Scorpio!

Keep your proprietary information as locked up as Fort Knox by entrusting it to a Scorpio.
Keep your proprietary information as locked up as Fort Knox by entrusting it to a Scorpio.

This month’s “Bodacious Business Horoscopes” entry gingerly avoids being stung by the most secretive member of the zodiac system, Scorpio the Scorpion.

Lest you think I don’t know what I’m talking about, I just recently celebrated my birthday. This qualifies me to discuss the intense highs and lows of Scorpio’s corporate modus operandi.

My zodiac sign rules the astrological skies from October 22/23 until November 21/22. Most of the other sun signs breathe a sigh of relief when Scorpio’s birth-date month completes its orbit.

I can almost guarantee that many of the people who hold analytical or research-oriented jobs at your company are Scorpios. A Scorpion will not stop, will not rest, will not sleep until s/he resolves a perplexing problem. And the solution, whether positive or negative, is pursued sometimes at the risk of alienating (i.e., pissing off) co-workers.

Disclaimer: This post is a business parody of Western astrology. By All Writes isn’t responsible for any irreversible damage that takes place at your company as a result of this month’s profile about the Scorpios on your payroll. Please expect delivery of your venom-removal kit in the next few days…

Scorpio Is the Fixed Water Sign–Here’s What It Means for Your Business: Scorpions reluctantly accept the fact that theirs is not a cardinal sign. They overcome their disappointment by pursuing a task, no matter how minute or grand, to its conclusion with relentless passion.

I can’t say it any better than The Zodiac Little Giant® Encyclopedia:

“[Scorpio] can be likened to still waters that run deep. The relentless power of water to penetrate and transform even the hardest rocks is an excellent metaphor through which to understand the driving passion of the Scorpio personality…Scorpio cannot easily be deflected from his or her purpose.”

A Scorpio fact-checking information that somehow leads back to you will hunt/haunt you à la Inspector Javert’s obsession with imprisoning Jean Valjean in Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables. Consider yourself warned.

Scorpio Will Bury Your Most Sensitive Information, But Deep: No hyperbole here. The Scorpios working with or for you would rather be tortured than divulge company secrets you’ve entrusted them with (a clandestine merger! a hush-hush IPO! that new VP of marketing!).

To a Scorpio, the word “secret” equates to: never talking about Fight Club, wearing sunglasses at a poker tournament, and luring a family member to his/her surprise party without spilling the details.

At some point, a Scorpion will fray your nerves with his/her mysterious demeanor and zeal for secrecy. But this was per your request, remember?

Best gifts for your Scorpio business buds: a 5,000-piece puzzle, sunglasses, a jewelry case or other decorative box with a false bottom, and a lifetime supply of disappearing-ink pens.

That Scorpion in the Corner Cubicle Is a Loyal Soul: Scorpio’s professional assets (either as an executive or employee) are sometimes misconstrued as negative traits. (I would know.) Scorpion peeps are quietly confident in themselves, and utterly loyal (until given a reason to distrust you).

Scorpio notoriously loathes the negative energy created by office politics. This sun sign prefers the power and rewards gained from untying the boss’s Gordian knot.

Your Scorpions’ most positive traits: investigative, passionately caring, dynamic, probing, concerned, “unshockable” (for the most part!), tenacious, intense concentration.

Whether related to you by blood or nondisclosure agreement, persistent Scorpio will suffer any amount of anguish to help your business surpass its competitors. Don’t ask for the details…

Scorpio Employees and Executives Believe in Retribution When Fed Lies or Mistreated: All zodiac signs have their negative traits, but Scorpio carries a heavier load than most of its astrological brothers and sisters.

Yes, these loyal workers exude a commitment and passion that may exceed the sum of all the other sun signs. But never forget: There’s a reason other real-life desert creatures fear the tiny scorpion’s sting.

Your Scorpios can be: self-destructive, suspicious, possessive, quick-tempered, obstinate, intolerant, vindictive. The absolute golden rule regarding your professional relationship with a Scorpio in the workplace is: never purposely and knowingly lie to him/her.

Once you break a Scorpio’s trust, rely on him or her to continue to work hard and meet deadlines. However, s/he will assuredly craft an exit plan that isn’t in your business’s best interest. My advice to you: Don’t go there!

Behind Every Successful Business, There’s a Scorpio Obsessively Assessing the Data (or Situation): Given this sun sign’s analytical fixation, it’s no surprise that many Scorpios work in medicine, the sciences, and marketing (or other investigative) research. But don’t assume the Scorpion is all numbers and facts, and no creative passion.

A Scorpio in the creative or performing arts calculates dance steps, paint strokes, and word usage with unshakable concentration. In fact, many famous Scorpios are actors, artists, and writers. You might recognize a few of these “little stingers”:

Jack Dorsey, on-again, off-again, and now on-again CEO of the “tweetest” social-media platform on the Internets!

George Gallup, founder of the Gallup Poll; he made the modern public-opinion poll très hip…

Bill Gates, the original Microsoft nerd, now a full-time philanthropist (via the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation)…

Hedy Lamarr, an old-Hollywood actress who was also a successful inventor of spread-spectrum communications technology!

Indra Nooyi, CEO of PepsiCo whose mother inspired her to think globally…

Pablo Picasso, an iconic artist who spawned art periods the way some companies create product line extensions…

Jonas Salk, the man who developed the first successful polio vaccine…

Ted Turner, television media mogul (and onetime husband of Jane Fonda)…

Jack Welch, former General Electric head honcho who finally found happiness with a woman 25 years his junior (I don’t sound bitter, do I?)…

Honor roll of extreme Scorpios, from sadly troubled to all-out psychotic: Ronnie & Reggie Cray, Joseph Goebbels, Bobby Knight, Charles Manson, Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, and Dylan Thomas.

A Completely Speculative Business Interpretation of Scorpio’s Astral Assets: Here’s something you don’t see every day–a business interpretation of a zodiac sign’s ruling planet, lucky day, lucky numbers, and primary colors. When hiring new employees, please refrain from asking about these astrological bits and pieces during the interview process:

Ruling Planet = Pluto (Ever since the IAU downgraded Pluto to a dwarf planet in 2006, Dark Side of the Moon has been Scorpio’s favorite album. Never enter a Scorpion’s office uninvited when these songs play concurrently…)

Lucky Day = Tuesday (Ruled by the planet Mars, this day denotes assertion, perseverance, and “healthy” aggression. When a project must be completed ASAP, approach a Scorpio employee on a Tuesday without fear or trepidation.)

Lucky Number(s) = begin with number 9 (More musical cues for you to obey, especially when Scorpio is listening to Emerson, Lake and Palmer’s “Karn Evil 9: 1st Impression” or “Revolution 9” by the Beatles.)

Primary Color = deep red (Feel free to “gift” your Scorpions via any shade of red; carnelian or garnet red will generate much goodwill in Scorpio’s astrological memory bank.)

Final Snide Commentary on Scorpio the Scorpion by the Author of Born on a Rotten Day: Not one to shy away from the truth, astrologer Hazel Dixon-Cooper confidently proclaims that “Irking a Scorpio is easy. Treat them like they treat everyone else. Be aloof, remote, and act superior.”

But wait, it gets better. Here’s an excerpt of her perverse commentary regarding Scorpio bosses and peers:

“Working for a Scorpio is like working for the Mafia…Just like his mob counterpart, on the surface, Boss Scorpion is congenial, hospitable, and well dressed. He also invented the phrase Hostile Takeover. A Scorpio boss is not the delegating type…Having a Scorpio coworker is like being in the cold war with a double agent…She may be your best friend, lunch companion, or faithful assistant, but if she decides that the next place up the corporate ladder she should occupy is the rung you’re sitting on, you will rarely guess, until it’s nearly, or actually, too late to save yourself.”


Does Scorpio the Scorpion rule your birth date? If so, did this profile trigger any disgruntlement regarding its accuracy? What other interpretive traits would you add to this zodiac sign from a business perspective?

For those of you with a birthday dwelling in another house, your blog post is incubating in my editorial calendar, rest assured. Next up, toward the end of November, we will delight in all things Sagittarius.

Until then, please circulate this blog post among the Scorpios nestled within the forbidden landscapes of your office building…

Lori Shapiro is the owner of By All Writes LLC, a business-to-business (B2B) writing, editing, and research company in Marlton, New Jersey. She revels in shielding her clients from the pain of writing their own print or web marketing and educational copy. Please call Lori Shapiro at 856-810-9764 or e-mail By All Writes LLC at  for a no-obligation project quote today!

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