Bodacious Business Horoscopes: Crabby Cancer!

Draw your workplace Cancerians out of their shell by harnessing those family-oriented emotions...
Draw your workplace Cancerians out of their shell by harnessing those family-oriented emotions…

Earlier this year, I threatened to start an “evergreen” blog-post series focusing on horoscopes for business people. The time has come to fulfill my destiny, fix the glitch, make you an offer you can’t refuse, and utilize just about any other famous movie quote I can think of.

We start with Cancer (the Crab), which extends from June 21 to July 22. Cancer is considered the most motherly of sun signs in the zodiac system. Thus, it wouldn’t surprise me that many office managers or supervisors who work with much younger employees are Cancers.

Disclaimer: This post is a business parody of Western astrology. By All Writes isn’t responsible for any unsettling events that occur within your company as a result of this month’s profile about the Cancerians on your payroll. Please proceed…

Cancer Is One of Four Cardinal Signs–Here’s What It Means for Your Business: In the zodiac system, four houses (i.e., zodiac signs) are deemed “cardinal,” which means they are “scout” signs that signify/determine the seasons.

Traditionally, people born under cardinal signs are considered influential initiators and leaders.

Per, Aries, Cancer, Libra, and Capricorn are:

“…restless, active, self-motivated, ambitious, and they often are the leaders in their communities. They can be a bit domineering, but that comes part and parcel with their best qualities of being enterprising, independent, creative, spontaneous and forceful.”

Don’t be surprised when the bossiest cow in your workplace, an amateur matchmaker à la Jane Austen’s Emma, turns out to be a “crabby” Cancer.

Feeling Is First for Cancers, So Don’t Let Them Make Important Decisions Alone: Your Cancer employees, lurking within their protective shells, are possibly the most emotional people you’ll ever work with. Keep this in mind whenever it’s necessary to be forceful with them or share negative feedback.

When assigning Cancerians to an important project, it’s best to team them up with less emotional co-workers. This will counterbalance Cancer’s intuitive feelings regarding a new idea or high-risk/high-reward decision.

Because Cancers are a water sign, be advised their moodiness is an indication of their vacillating thoughts and feelings.

Best gifts for your Cancer workmates: a box of tissues, a soundproof office, a blank whiteboard, or mom/dad jeans…

The Crab in Your Office Is a Very Loyal, Family-Oriented Professional: In general, employees and leaders whose sun sign falls into Cancer’s house seek the familiarity and comfort of a family-like situation at work.

According to the astrology site GaneshaSpeaks®.com, Cancers have complicated personalities, “but deep inside they are conservative and home-loving people.”

Your worker crabs’ most positive traits: creative, spontaneous, faithful, loving, emotional (but not particularly expressive about their feelings), and protective of others.

Your business instinct should compel you to trust Cancer team members with sensitive company information. Whether related to you by blood or a nondisclosure agreement, the loyal Crab will always have his or her pincers up, ready to remove an unfriendly or threatening element from your path.

Cancer Employees and Executives Can Be Crabby Complainers: All zodiac signs have their negative traits, and Cancer is no exception. Yes, these peeps have tough shells and weapon-like pincers with which to protect your business’s bottom line. But they also possess a few weak spots in their soft underbellies.

Your faithful and dedicated Cancer can be: moody, pessimistic, clingy, overemotional, suspicious of others’ motives, and a natural nagger who doesn’t hesitate to unleash complaints.

Be forewarned that your protective Crabs might need ongoing reality checks with a supervisor or peer. This will keep them focused on what actually is, rather than what they speculate to be the truth internally.

Creative Professions Tend to Attract Cancerians Galore: Perhaps you need reassurance that family-oriented, kvetchy Cancerians are also successful, take-charge business professionals. Here’s a sampling of names you’ll recognize:

Wally Amos, Famous Amos cookie entrepreneur…

Giorgio Armani, Bill Blass, and Pierre Cardin, fashion designers whose clothes remain respected (whether worn or stored in a museum)…

Merv Griffin, campy TV talk-show host and successful media entrepreneur who created game shows like Jeopardy! and Wheel of Fortune…

Leona Helmsley, former luxury hotelier via marriage to Harry Helmsley (and the now dead “Queen of Mean”)…

Estee Lauder, legendary lady whose cosmetics and skin/body-care empire encompasses Aveda, Bumble and bumble, Clinique, M.A.C., and more…

John D. Rockefeller, famous robber baron and founder of Standard Oil…

Richard Simmons, former exercise-video guru who used to appear quite frequently on late-night TV shows…

Sam Walton, founder of the company some people admiringly despise, Walmart…

A Completely Speculative Business Interpretation of Cancer’s Astral Assets: Here’s something you don’t see every day–a business interpretation of a zodiac sign’s ruling planet, lucky day, lucky numbers, and primary colors.

When hiring new employees, please refrain from asking questions about these astrological bits and pieces during the interview process:

Ruling Planet = the Moon (Usually associated with oddness, the Moon’s influence on Cancer assures your business oodles of humorous lunacy.)

Lucky Day = Friday (This is always the best day to fire someone, but count on your Cancer employees to emotionally flip out. Check for a handgun or other small weapon among Cancer’s possessions when escorting him or her from the building.)

Lucky Numbers = 8 and 3 (When rewarding a Cancer with a bonus or other form of congratulatory compensation, ensure these numbers are in the check or gift-card amount.)

Primary Colors = white and yellow (For maximum productivity, NEVER put a Cancerian in a gloomy, dark office or cubicle. Never!)

Final Snide Commentary on Cancer the Crab by the Author of Born on a Rotten Day: Whilst I was snapping photos at a Barnes & Noble bookstore, Hazel Dixon-Cooper’s book captured the right hemisphere of my left-handed brain. The subtitle: Illuminating and Coping with the Dark Side of the Zodiac.

Let’s just say that Ms. Dixon-Cooper is a (professional) British astrologer with a twisted sense of humor. One of her most irreverent comments regarding Cancer worker bees and drones:

“Cancer is not the best sign to have in a power position of any kind. Crab bosses understand their weaknesses, and if yours is in over her or his head, God help everyone in the office. They don’t hold up well when the heat is on, and usually do one of two things. Overreact and start a war or retreat behind a closed office door, leaving you and your colleagues to sink or swim on your own.”


Does Cancer the Crab rule your birth date? If so, did this profile trigger any head-shakes for you regarding accuracy? What other interpretive traits would you add to this zodiac sign from a business perspective?

For those of you with a birthday dwelling in another house, your blog post is scheduled, trust me. Next up, toward the end of July, will be Leo the Lion. In the meantime, please share this post with the trusted Cancerian working by your side or in the next cubicle…

Lori Shapiro is the owner of By All Writes LLC, a business-to-business (B2B) writing, editing, and research company in Marlton, New Jersey. She revels in shielding her clients from the pain of writing their own print or web marketing and educational copy. Please call Lori Shapiro at 856-810-9764 or e-mail By All Writes LLC at  for a no-obligation project quote today!

Sorry, comments are closed for this post.