Bodacious Business Horoscopes: Aeronautical Aquarius!

Don't let all that water fool you: The Aquarians you work with are ethereal thinkers, always brainstorming...
Don’t let all that water fool you: The Aquarians you work with are ethereal thinkers, always brainstorming…

This month’s “Bodacious Business Horoscopes” entry features the zodiac system’s most unconventional visionary: Aquarius the Water Bearer.

Aquarians march to the beat of a completely different drum (and they like it like that) from January 20 until February 19.

When you need someone to assess a troublesome project and visualize what no one else at your company can see, send out an e-mail with this subject line: “Aquarians wanted.”

But heed the concealed nature of the true Water Bearer. He or she has an internal mind-set that might take years to unravel.

Disclaimer: This post is a parody of Western astrology. By All Writes LLC isn’t responsible for any minefields hidden in your business’s first quarter as a result of this profile about the Aquarians on your payroll. Consider putting on your floaties before jumping into the Water Bearer’s universe…

Aquarius Is the Zodiac’s Fixed Air Sign–Here’s What It Means for Your Business: Although an Aquarian carries water all day long, his or her head is always in the clouds, thinking, thinking, thinking. The proof is in this quote from The Zodiac Little Giant® Encyclopedia:

“[Aquarius] can be likened to a paraglider, jumping off the earth to explore a rainbow, yet aware of the practicalities of thermals and how to ensure a safe landing. Air represents the mind and the ability to think…”

What Seems Odd to You Seems Perfectly Normal to an Aquarian: This zodiac sign’s telltale M.O. is the need for independent thought, no matter how quirky or far-fetched. The Water Bearer values independence as much as Sagittarius does, but it’s an independence that’s much more cerebral in nature.

Associated with nonconformity and eccentricity, it’s likely the Aquarians swimming in your professional aquarium are the armchair philosophers of the office. These are people who go deep–sometimes too deep within their own ideas.

I wouldn’t be shocked if you told me that Sartre, Camus, Nietzsche, and Stephen Hawking (I was so close!) all dawned in the “Age of Aquarius.”

Best gifts for your workplace Water Bearer lads and lasses: a digital voice recorder, lifetime access to the Onion, a sign that says “Welcome to the Emotion-Free Zone,” a membership to the nearest museum of contemporary art, and a hot-air balloon ride.

A Keen Intellect Is Why Aquarius Gnaws At Your Company’s Boundaries: Aquarians are the most fearless, original thinkers you’ll ever work with or have as an immediate supervisor.

You say no one at your company can figure out how to turn around an under-performing product or service? Leave it to a Water Bearer to blow away the mental cobwebs and inject fresh air into your same-old solutions.

However, Aquarius doesn’t necessarily share ideas willingly. Also, prepare to have your conventional habits disturbed by this sun sign’s unconventional viewpoint.

Your Aquarians’ most positive traits: thoughtful and caring, independent thought and action, original and inventive, strong sense of humanity/humane causes, intensely interested in people.

Whether related to you by blood or non-disclosure agreement, you can depend on Aquarius to grasp the angle, pitch, or unique selling proposition that eludes you and other employees/peers. It’s possible the Water Bearers at your company are kindred spirits with the Oracle at Delphi.

Breaking Your Promise to an Aquarian Boss or Employee Is Akin to a Professional Drowning: All zodiac signs have their negative traits, and Aquarius is no exception. Naturally, Aquarians will never disappoint regarding their ability to spin product concepts or marketing ideas from wispy tendrils of air.

But be advised: As the zodiac’s primary eccentric, the Water Bearer isn’t likely to conform to your company’s rules.

Some of the not-so-attractive characteristics associated with Aquarius: can be tactless and even rude, a quirky sense of humor bordering on the perverse, is sometimes self-absorbed, lack of confidence, emotionally distant.

All Aquarian Career Paths Lead to Some Aspect of Humanitarian Work: People born under this zodiac sign crank out novel ideas through their deep thoughts. They tend to thrive in careers that demand a lot of experimentation, investigation, and/or analysis.

For an Aquarian, all that cogitating is best done by serving the human race in some life-altering way.

The range of careers that appeal to Water-Bearers includes scientist, charity worker, inventor, archaeologist, engineer, and humanitarian aid worker. But you’ll also find barrier-breaking Aquarians following their oxygenated dreams in the performing and visual arts.

I’m sure you appreciate the body of work represented by these quirky nonconformists:

Paul Allen, the Microsoft co-founder who builds cool stuff (like the Experience Music Project Museum) and owns the Seattle Seahawks…

Lidia Bastianich, longtime Food Network chef and restaurateur (not a typo) who makes cooking Italian delicacies look so dang easy…

Michael Bloomberg, the former (three-term) NYC mayor whose last name is synonymous with business media…

Enzo Ferrari, who didn’t just build an exotic-car empire; he raced the d@mn things too, and almost lived to 100…

Matt Groening, the brilliant cartoonist who created a wee thing called The Simpsons

Joy Mangano, QVC queen and inventor of the Miracle Mop, currently portrayed on the big screen by J-Law (Jennifer Lawrence)…

Yoko Ono, who needs no (snarky) introduction…

Oprah Winfrey, the “Queen of All Media” who created a vast viewership with her iconic talk show…

A Completely Speculative Business Interpretation of the Water Bearer’s Astral Assets: Here’s something you don’t see every day–a business interpretation of a zodiac sign’s ruling planet, lucky day, lucky numbers, and primary colors.

When hiring new employees, please refrain from bringing up this astrological flotsam and jetsam during the initial interview:

Ruling Planet(s) = Uranus AND Saturn (This is the astrological equivalent of mixing absinthe with a probiotic yogurt drink.)

Lucky Day(s) = Sunday AND Saturday (Leave it to Aquarius to claim the entire weekend for some well-deserved R&R after all that weeklong thinking.)

Lucky Numbers = 4, 8, 13, 17, 22 (I have no idea; ask a friendly Aquarian the meaning of this numerical combination.)

Primary Colors = Blue, blue-green, grey, black (All shades of tropical waters and stormy weather–coincidence? I think not…)

Final Snide Commentary on Aquarius the Water Bearer by the Author of Born on a Rotten Day: My favorite acerbic astrologer, Hazel Dixon-Cooper, begins her section on Aquarians in the workplace with a Thomas Edison quote. It’s the quintessence of Water Bearer rationalization:

“I have not failed. I’ve just found ten thousand ways that won’t work.”

Beware these tricky traits regarding Aquarius supervisors and co-workers:

“Your Aquarian boss has the aggravating habit of talking at, instead of to, you. Go to her office, pad and pencil in hand, and you will scribble for an hour trying to make sense of the convoluted and contradictory statements she’s spouting faster than a speed-talking champion…Aquarian co-workers are too busy climbing the company grapevine to worry about climbing the corporate ladder. That old joke about clock-in, take a break, greet coworkers, go to lunch, read the mail, take a break, phone friends and family, cancel a meeting and clock out is a perfect description of the typical Aquarian work day.”


Does Aquarius the Water Bearer rule your birthdate? If so, did this profile trigger any disagreeable head-shaking from you regarding accuracy? What other interpretive traits would you add to this zodiac sign from a business perspective?

For those of you with a birthday dwelling in another house, it’s possible I prognosticated about your zodiac sign’s mysterious ways in a previous blog post. Toward the end of February, I’ll swim with the astrological fish(es) of the zodiac system: Pisces.

In the meantime, please share this blog post with the nonconformist Aquarians hatching remarkable ideas for your company during their lunch hour…

Lori Shapiro is the owner of By All Writes LLC, a business-to-business (B2B) company in Marlton, New Jersey, that plies its trade via copywriting, editing, and other content-marketing services. She revels in shielding her clients from the time-consuming pain of writing their own print or web marketing and promotional copy.

Please call Lori Shapiro of By All Writes LLC at 856-810-9764 (or e-mail her via to schedule a gratis 20-minute consultation that will resolve your current copywriting or editing dilemma…

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